My 200lb Secret

 November 2004. My body and mind were not working together towards a common goal...

November 2004. My body and mind were not working together towards a common goal...

 January 2015, my body and mind have changed significantly. 

January 2015, my body and mind have changed significantly. 

I have a secret. Well, it's not so much a secret as a part of my past that few remember. New friends wouldn't recognize the old me. The me that was 200lbs, depressed and wearing a suit of protective armor that would keep anyone at bay. I think in life, and in goals, there is a lot of emphasis on what one can physically accomplish, but seldom do we talk about the mental aspects of setting and achieving those goals. And then maintaining that standard of health.

I bring this up because this was me approximately 10 years ago. Before I knew I could really help anyone get and stay healthy, because I wasn't there myself. It was a learning curve that I'm not embarrassed to share. It's an unflattering picture, to be sure. And few would openly post a picture publicly that might implicate them in even reasonable fallibility. But not me. What made me who I am today mentally and then physically is that woman back then. Her strength told me not to accept that status quo I had become so comfortable with. The extra padding that would ensure I wouldn't get extra attention from men, or admiration from other aspiring women. People wouldn't take me as seriously, they might laugh at me, they might not listen. But I could control that with my weight. And as I realized this, I became aware of the innate want to have a voice no matter what my size. And I stopped caring what I looked like to other people. I just focused on how my body felt every day.

I connected, even when it was painful. Even when I had to come to terms with the fact that I was eating to comfort myself. Or I was eating out of anger at my dad for pointing to my belly when I was 15 and shaming me. Or even when I realized I was feeling guilty for eating after a work out. I let go of those past expectations and thoughts and I grasped a new idea for the future. That my progress was all about me and it felt fucking good. And no one was going to take that away from me with glances or comments. They were just jealous I could absolve their thought process from MY thought process. I was going to enjoy this even when it was hard. 

And here I am today, 150lbs, 50lbs less, happy, lean and strong and flexible. The best mental and physical shape I've ever taken. I'm a shape shifter! Not depressed and hiding from connecting thought, to feeling, to action. And you know what? It turns out, the best risk I ever took, was on myself. My biggest fear back then has been my biggest accomplishment thus far. I'm the best that I can be every day now. I never worry about weight, size, food, calories, fat. I don't have to! Because I've got my back. And ya know what? I feel so good, I've got yours too! And that feels SPECTACULAR.